In a quiet corner of Blossom Hill Cemetery, two modest grave markers stand side by side on a bare patch of earth where fresh grass is just beginning to grow—Julia Byrne, 26, on the left, and her three-year-old son, Blake, on the right.

They were laid to rest beneath the ground in the same position Bill Byrne found them last month in his Pembroke home. His daughter, Julia, took her son’s life and then her own with a firearm in May.

Julia, a veteran honorably discharged from military service, was denied burial at the Boscawen Veterans Cemetery—a place her father believed she would have wanted to rest, among others who had served.

The circumstances of her death closed that door.

“It actually doesn’t make any difference to me today,” Bill said quietly, standing over their graves.

It wasn’t the denial of a final resting place that cut the deepest.

The day after Julia and Blake were laid to rest, a white car with government plates pulled into Byrne’s driveway, and a soldier stepped out to deliver a letter from the Department of the Army.

The words inside stung Byrne: “Military honors will be withheld for your daughter’s funeral service due to the circumstances surrounding her death.”

The letter continued, citing regulations that forbid military funeral honors in cases that could “bring discredit upon the United States Army.”

“It was a little insult to injury already. But I’d started to become numb to that,” said Byrne. “She did a good job in the military. She was not a slacker.”

Shawn Buck, director of the New Hampshire State Veterans Cemetery, explained that federal rules and regulations determine who qualifies for burial in a veterans cemetery.

The most important requirement, he said, is that the veteran must have received an honorable discharge.

If a veteran has been convicted of a federal or state capital crime, they are no longer eligible for burial in a veteran’s cemetery.

“This is difficult because you’re dealing in some respects with hypotheticals, and so I have to ask, ‘What if this veteran had not passed away, what would there be a potential charge?’” Buck explained.

Due to the ongoing investigation into the deaths of Julia and Blake, Buck said he was unable to make a decision independently and had to seek guidance from the Attorney General’s Office.

“I don’t want to bury a veteran who is then later deemed to have been ineligible. So I have to wait,” said Buck. “But I can understand that maybe the family may look at it totally differently.”

Byrne was told that Blake could be laid to rest at the state veterans cemetery because he was a family member of a veteran who had been honorably discharged.

Silent Struggle

Julia had been trying to get help for her mental health, her father said.

After her death, Byrne found a card among her belongings with the name of a mental health provider.

It was a quiet sign of the struggle she had been facing.

He can’t help but wonder why her mental health wasn’t taken into account when it came to how she and her son were laid to rest.

“Julia is gone now. She loved Blake,” said Byrne. “She can’t advocate for herself. It’d be nice if a precedent were set where there was some consideration for mental health. It’s only a matter of time.”

The New Hampshire Army National Guard recorded 47 suicide-related incidents between 2018 and 2022 among its members and their families. These ranged from suicidal thoughts to attempts and deaths.

More than half of the incidents— 51% — involved individuals who were not actively deployed.

17% of individuals who died by suicide in New Hampshire between 2016 and 2022 had current or former military service.

Julia was never deployed in active combat. She returned home to New Hampshire in December after six years of service with the Army brigade responsible for maintaining combat aviation.

Alison Palmer, a perinatal psychiatric nurse practitioner, has seen military mothers struggle with deep depression and anguish because they feel unable to be the mothers they want to be.

“The darkness of their depression really alters their thought process,” Palmer said.

She said that Julia’s act of killing her child doesn’t mean she didn’t love him; in fact, it reflects the opposite.

“Clinically and personally, I see that as a discordant act of love,” Palmer said. “I think it’s like they care so much that they can’t imagine their child living with the pain of them not being there.”

‘Out of respect’

Every now and then, Byrne glances down at his wrist, where two simple bracelets carry the names of his daughter and grandson.

They’re constant reminders — not just of love, but of questions that never stop echoing in his mind.

What pressures did Julia face during her time in the military? What silent battles did she wage alone? What should he have done differently? What signs did he fail to see?

Colonel Richard Oberman, an Army Nurse Corps officer with the New Hampshire National Guard, said transitioning to civilian life can be challenging for service members, whether they’ve seen combat or not, and many don’t seek the help they need.

“Either they feel like they’re not worthy of them or they’re just too proud,” said Oberman. “They didn’t think it was for them, or they’re not hurt that bad, and they just don’t tend to reach out for various reasons.”

Byrne said Julia was receiving some support from the Manchester VA, but she wasn’t consistent.

At the same time, she was trying to rekindle friendships from before her time in the military, but it wasn’t easy.

Byrne still lives in the Pembroke home where Julia and Blake died, a place filled with both beautiful and heartbreaking memories.

In the weeks following the loss, Byrne welcomed a dog into his life, naming him Harlan after Blake’s middle name.

Between staying busy and trying to understand what drove Julia to make that heartbreaking choice, the haunting images from that night—especially the blood staining his grandson’s bed—overwhelm him, breaking his composure as tears fill his eyes.

“I don’t want another family to go through the same, if I can help,” Byrne said.

Despite the pain, his love for Julia is unshaken.

When the Attorney General’s Office offered to pay for the cleaning service after the incident, Byrne said he refused.

“I didn’t want them to come in with bleach and to get rid of it like it’s dirty,” said Byrne. “I said, I’m cleaning up myself. That’s out of respect and to not flush them down the drain.”

If you need help

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org

To connect with a Veterans Crisis Line responder anytime, day or night, dial 988, then Press 1

 

Sruthi Gopalakrishnan can be reached at sgopalakrishnan@cmonitor.com